Looking back... looking forward...

This has been a week of looking back and looking forward for me and my family. My husband of 36 years celebrated his 60th birthday.  I suggested to him to mark the day by writing a letter to himself… a letter that reflects on how he has lived the last 60 years, and imagines the rest of his life.   He surprised me by sharing this letter with me at the end of that day.  He wrote of his gratitude for his many blessings: a comfortable life, a good family and good health.  He explained that what the kids and I interpret as his fear of aging- and dying- was in reality his desire to stay healthy so he can continue to enjoy life and our family. He spoke of his wish for us and our kids to spend more time together, while expressing an understanding resignation that these occasions will increasingly be rare.  I was touched by how he spoke of his love for me, and his deep appreciation for the life we have built together.  He also spoke of his regrets, most notably his perceived distance from his siblings—and the realization that, in the days to come, he can change this. He shares my dream of building a sustainable community in our farm in rural Philippines.  Looking back, he is grateful; looking forward, there’s lost time to make up for and new aspirations to pursue.

My 27-year old daughter received acceptance to a program to live and work in Spain.  Since graduating from college, I’d say this would rank as #1 on her “wish list”.   And yet, when she texted me about it, I can almost feel the rising anticipation from her message, and when we spoke, her anxiety was clear, and when I asked her what she was worried about, she teared as she said, “ I might get lonely”.  She spoke about how she’s lived a protected life, and how, for the first time in her life, she will really be on her own.  I sense now that this opportunity – one that she has truly wished for – is at hand,  she’s seeing with great clarity what she’ll give up :  being near family and friends, a good paying job, all that’s predictable about the “status quo”--- vs. some big unknown outcome in a far-away place where the people, circumstances and even the language are foreign.  And although she is very well traveled and has no fear of travelling itself, it is the staying, the settling for the unknown that seems to be at the heart of what’s giving her pause.  And yet, she knows that if she passes this opportunity up, she will regret it even more:  wondering what it could have been.  I agree – she has so much to discover “abroad in the world”.  Looking back, she may have lived a protected life; looking forward, she’s ready to explore, discover, grow and bloom.

My 24-year old son is in pursuit of an acting career.  He is also working on the front desk of a plush hotel, and to his credit, has been able to afford to live on his own.  We spoke of his plans and ambitions, since he just had the opportunity to apply for a promotion in the hotel, but passed it up since the additional responsibility will encroach upon his acting and auditioning schedule.  Looking back, he has no regrets for passing up this promotional opportunity and continues to look forward to the auditions that will lead to his lucky acting break.

I have been fascinated by photographs ever since I was a little girl.  I can still remember the first photo album I made for myself when I was 10, and have been taking pictures for over 30 years now. More recently, I have taken bolder steps with this fascination:  investing in a good digital camera, traveling to take pictures, sharing my favorites more frequently as gifts; even participating in an amateur gallery in my work place and creating this blog as a venue for displaying my photos.  One lazy Saturday morning in March, I strolled into a shop and discovered that it was a venue for showcasing local artists: painters, potters, jewelry makers, all types of artists.  The friendliness of the owner encouraged me to declare that I am an amateur photographer. She said she wanted to see my work.  I protested I’m really not an artist.  She prodded me with kind encouragement.  This led to my showing her and her partner some of my work, AND their selecting five of my photographs to use in a designer showcase exhibit (including the header picture on this blog!)  Last week, I delivered these photographs to them, and I am thrilled beyond words. This creative work has inspired me to commit all proceeds of any of the sale of my photographs to support the work we began towards building a sustainable community in our family farm.  Looking back, I am grateful for the gift of photography; looking forward, I am hopeful that I will continue to develop and grow as a photographer.