Self-Care
Self-Car
I was chatting last night with a group of friends, who shared with me the sad story of their youngest brother. This youngest brother, who we’ll call Fred, is in his 40s, has ballooned to over 300 pounds, and stays home with his three children, ages 16-21, two of whom are now teen-age mothers. His wife lives and works abroad (an unfortunate socio-economic reality in the Philippines) and they have been separated for over five years. Fred has become dependent on his wife’s income to support his family and stays home to care for his two grandbabies while his two unwed daughters go back to school. Fred’s family vents: Fred is at his wits end. If only the wife was around to help care for and discipline the kids, if only the kids were not so wild and more obedient to their father. If only Fred would go with his brothers to work out and lose some weight. If only….
We’ve all heard some version of Fred’s story. While his may be extreme, there is an abundance of sad stories about people who seem to find themselves stuck in unfortunate circumstances. People who seem to be unwilling helpless victims of life’s bad turns. Where does this begin and end? What can the Fred’s of the world do to turn their lives around?
The dictionary definition of Self-Care is “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress”. Sounds good. And yet, as we all know, the very thing that gets to the bottom of our list when we get stressed is taking care of ourselves. Here’s the thing: “The problem is that we end up substituting the important with the urgent way more than we should.” Sounds familiar?
Until we realize – and prioritize – taking care of ourselves, we will not build enough muscle memory to be able to handle highly stressful situations.
I’m an advocate for planning, and as we plan for what’s important in our lives, we need to include a self-care plan in that dossier.
In my coaching practice, I ask my clients to take stock of several domains in their lives and assess how satisfied they are with each domain. This has served as a good measuring stick for what it is, we need to pay more attention to and becomes the basis for building - and becoming accountable for one’s own self-care plan.
Our physical body: Proper nutrition, adequate sleep, regular exercise, staying on top of medical check-ups. Clearly easier said than done. I now make sure that I have an annual medical check up around my birthday. My way of reminding myself that being alive and healthy is a good thing. I’m one of those lucky people who have no trouble sleeping and get my regular 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I’m working on my diet, keeping closer to a plant-based diet and drinking lots of water all day long. Keeping to a regular exercise routine is my nemesis, but I keep active, walk and try to go back every time I fall off the exercise wagon!
Our mind and emotion: What’s challenging for keeping in tune and caring for one’s mental and emotional state we do not see it. How can we effectively pro-actively care for our mental and emotional well-being? Journaling is one practice I highly recommend to my clients. It does not have to be long nor pretty – but simply downloading – in a stream of consciousness way, one’s thoughts and feelings for the day.
Our financial state: Financial literacy is also one of my advocacies. Having a clear sense of one’s needs and wants, as well as one’s sources of income is critical to be able to live within one’s means. I created an acronym for a path towards financial literacy and sustainability using the word “MONEY”: M is for understanding what money Means to you; O is knowing what you Own and what you Owe – your net worth; N is for being able to discern your Needs from your wants; E is for having a clear sense of what you Earn and your capacity to earn; and finally, Y is for knowing how to use money for what you Yearn for.
Our social life: “No man is an island” is very apt here. We are all social beings, no matter how introverted we may claim to be. Our self-care plan needs to include scheduling time to spend with people who we love, who matter to us, and with whom we have healthy relationships. Likewise, it also means avoiding toxic relationships, while being intentional in contacting people we care about. A brief phone call, a short note, easy ways of staying connected and engaged with people we like and give us positive energy is a big step in self-care.
Our work: I’ve had a lot of discussions with my clients about how to set work and professional boundaries. Work has become all “real time”, and boundaries have blurred between one’s work time and personal time. Unless we are truly mindful of setting – and respecting our boundaries, I’m afraid no one else will. I am not suggesting inflexibility; merely clarity and intentionality about how we find the time and space we need to balance our work and our life. Understanding that our electronic devices do not need to be a permanent appendage, and that we can live without them for at least during meals with family is one good step towards setting these boundaries.
Our soul: By this I mean spirituality – and while some people may claim not to need this, I feel this is a domain that warrants some attention and consideration. It does not have to be some religious affiliation –although I’m a huge advocate for faith - but that’s for another blog. For now, this is about including in one’s self-care plan some time to reflect on one’s higher purpose; one’s place and responsibility in his/her community; communing with one’s soul. This could mean listening to music, reading poetry, walking around nature, praying or meditating.
Self-care is critical because it is the first step towards enabling us to help others. Just like how the flight attendant reminds us to wear our own oxygen masks first before assisting others, our ability to be take good care of others in whatever role we have in life – be it a leader, a parent, a co-worker, a sibling or a friend – is dependent on how well we are taking care of ourselves.
So, if you are one of the Fred’s of the world or simply reading this out of curiosity, take heed! Whatever circumstances you find yourself feeling stuck with, you are complicit for not owning up to being accountable for taking care of yourself and stepping up to the responsibility of changing your circumstances.
Start by taking an active role in protecting your own well-being and happiness.
