The Gifts of Time and Grace

I have just spent the last week on the beach in Hilton Head, the first four days of which I spent alone. I quickly figured out a daily routine:  walks on the beach for sunrise and sunset; and while I devoted a great amount of my time working, I also found time to read, write and window-shop, and treasure hunt.  I began each day with entries in my journal; then off I'd go to the beach.  It happened to be one of the hottest and most humid weeks ever, so taking cover inside after a walk on the beach made this schedule work very well.

This time alone offered a perfect opportunity for reflection. I didn't plan or set out to reflect much,  but, coincidentally, I was celebrating my birthday towards the end of the week -- so maybe I was in that "state of mind".

I found myself pondering about how those close to me were at my age.  I thought of my mother at my age, and I learned to understand - or not- why she did what she did at my age.  I reflected on my older sisters at my age, and appreciated, more deeply what they have gone through.  Then I also went back in time when I was the same age as my daughter (27), and my son (24) and felt more connected to the many ups and downs they seem to be going through, but for which I don't know many details.   I realize this must happen to everyone, but I'm just saying I found plenty of time to reflect on it this time.

I also observed a lot.  On my first walk at sunrise on the beach, my first thought was - wow, it's another savanna!  The expanse, the quiet (but the waves), the beauty, the mystery.  I stepped on to the ocean and felt the warmth of the water, the sand, the sun and the gentle breeze.  I saw a lot of people, big kids fishing - and catching all sorts of marvelous creatures:  a baby stingray, a baby shark - all sent back to their ocean home.  I wondered -- how come  we never took our kids fishing?  It seemed to be such a delightful family activity. And I wished for them that they would do so for themselves.

I walked on the beach a lot.  The sun, sand, water and breeze sure felt good and refreshing.  Rejuvenating and restful. Despite my mental understanding of tides, I experienced, morning and afternoon, its ebb and flow. I was  surprised with wonder at the magical unpredictability of the tides.  I would come back every morning at the same time, and discover a different beach.  Sometimes vastly different, mostly just discretely.   And being there, present and aware, when the sun rose and when it set was very reassuring.  Not unlike what I experienced in the savanna, experiencing the natural order of things is very comforting and wonderful.

I made meals for myself.  Simple meals, recipes of time gone by.  One night, I made a dish that my mother used to make. Like me, she did not acquire the panache for cooking.  It was a simple dish - fried pork chop with lemon and soy sauce and sauteed onions.  I guess it must be because I paid enough time and attention, that I came up with the best ever tasting dish of sauteed onions!

And this is when I suddenly thought of grace.  I looked up its definition and found several, of which these two resonate with my experience:   "seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement", and "divine love and protection bestowed freely on people". I was alone, but I felt surrounded by  effortless beauty - and love.  It was spontaneous, and beautiful.

Later on my last day alone, I was chatting up with one of my sisters, and we shared melancholia over days gone by, July 4th weekend barbecues, our kids splashing around the pool,  our parents with us.  We talked about how quickly it seems that we're now back to where we started, alone with our husbands, and beloved pets, as our kids- and - even us, are dispersed.  Admittedly, I missed Allen and was looking forward to his arrival that evening, with our little dog.  But my simple alone time on the beach was truly a gift of time and grace.

I have promised myself a new tradition:  days of alone time on the beach, the week of my birthday.  And maybe I will also someday realize the other dream tradition of having family reunions on the beach on my birthday with my extended family.